Boxes, Perfection, & Insecurity

Insecurity is a multifaceted beast. These are lies we tell ourselves, stories we create to push us to pursue greater and greater heights without an end in sight and we hold onto them, feed them, give them water, and still if we accomplished the thing that the insecurity says we need to, it still isn’t enough. Insecurity is the thing that tells us we are not worthy of receiving the love we want. Insecurity usually blossoms from a seed planted at an early or a pivotal point in our lives when we wanted approval or love from an important person and when we do that thing, it wasn’t recognized, or the only thing that was recognized or what was pointed out was the thing that needs more work. This communication devalues any effort we put in and places value on the pursuit of achieving the impossible. Perfection. If I could only do or be (fill in the blank), then (fill in the blank). It places the worthiness of being seen, heard, and loved on the completion of something.

I was told as a kid that if I wanted something, I had to work for it. I wasn’t recognized for achieving, but it was definitely noticed and measured if I stepped out of line or did something seen as wrong. I wasn’t supposed to learn how to do and be better. I was supposed to inherently know. What I did know and understand was that if I wanted to be loved or worthy of it, I had to fit into a box of perfection and I really wasn’t allowed to exist in a space that was larger than the one my physical body consumed. I think that sometimes, that space was even too big. Be seen and not heard, but only be seen like this, or that is even too much.

Perfection was and is impossible. If we attain perfection, would we be satisfied?

I heard someone say that perfectionism is the ultimate form of procrastination. That truth hit me like a ton of bricks. Was I procrastinating? I was really good at doing it, but I know I never felt satisfied and I always thought I should be further along. Further along where?

What if in the pursuit of perfection, we get sucked into the details and expect everything to be in place before we take action. We review it and we rework it and we review it again and we never do, because if we don’t try, we cannot fail. What if we reframed failure and set it as not doing? What if the failure is to quit?

One of the ways I started recognizing that I was doing ok and should be proud of my accomplishments was when someone would compliment something I did and my inner voice would show up, argue, and tell me that I should be more of something before I would be worthy of the praise being given. My insecurities and perfection-chasing self wasn’t worthy of the praise because I could have done it better, or I could/should be doing more. It was and is never enough. I remember arguing with a compliment and the person who gave me the compliment was insulted. As a person who is very aware of how I make others feel, I asked why I upset them. They said, “all you needed to say was thank you.” This struck me. This person gave me praise, but I didn’t accept it, and in turn, started critiquing myself and what would make me feel worthy of the praise. “Thank you.” Two of the most simple words and they were so hard to say. Saying “thank you” meant I would have to believe them and I didn’t. I had to learn to quiet my inner voice, recognize the praise from the other person was a reflection of how they felt, and show gratitude even though I was uncomfortable. My internal feelings were separate from their feelings and as an individual human, they were entitled to their own feelings. Ok. Cool. I think I can practice this.

I started allowing myself to quiet the voices and I started recognizing when I was applying perfection pressure to myself. I still do it, but I think I have a safe word worked out, or I talk to my therapist about it. She points out the untruth in what I am believing or pursuing and I am able to work through it.

Progress doesn’t happen overnight, but the challenge is this - Write for me - What do your inner voices tell you that you need to perfect, or do better in order to be worthy of praise or love? If you were to get there, would it be enough? What would it look like to be proud of where you are and to allow yourself to move slowly in the direction of learning to do and be better?